April 6th, 2017
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Cloistered in their home with only leftover bread and wine and their newly acquired Netflix subscription, the disciples of Jesus of Nazareth are still waiting to learn information on the fate of their leader. Sources reported on Thursday that the now 2,000-year-old men are “still waiting for someone to arrive with news.”
One disciple, Simon Peter, was willing to open the door of the home a crack to speak with our reporter. When asked whether they had heard any new information, he disappeared back into the darkened home. He later returned to confirm that he went into the home’s echo chamber where the men are waiting and asked for insight. He still knows nothing of the whereabouts of the messiah.
At press time, there were currently thousands of women circling the home with megaphones proclaiming the good news while still others were attempting to share social media posts marking Jesus as risen to Facebook. It appears the disciples have blocked all such posts from the women’s accounts.
We sat down with Mary Magdalene, witness to the resurrection, to get her take on the situation. “It’s exhausting” Magdalene stated. “I’ve been trying to contact Thomas so I can send him pics of the empty tomb but his replies are less than helpful.”
Apparently, Magdalene’s early attempts to proclaim the good news were blocked. The disciples cite their adherence to the Billy Graham rule and refuse to listen to Magdalene’s report based on the fact that none of their wives are present. We were able to obtain the alleged text messages she sent to Thomas.
Said one disciple, “Gee, I wonder if we will ever know what happened to him?” “Don’t worry,” Simon Peter yelled over the shouts of the women “God will definitely send someone soon.”
The disciples ask that anyone with information leading to the knowledge of the savior please come forward. As long as you are male, of course.